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Conspiracy Theory

Washington, D.C. -- 3/14/2006 -- A top-level government official has confirmed that the moronic masses indeed need to be protected from themselves. "They need to be managed and herded like the cattle that they are," said the official. "People are gullible and stupid, incapable of any kind of self-control. Without a paternal government regulating every aspect of their lives from cradle to grave they will be lost. They need us.

"Reality is harsh and dispiriting," the spokesman continued, "hence it is our greatest duty to shield the masses from the truth. Truth and freedom are not for everyone; indeed, these goods are too precious to be used and soiled by the worthless multitudes, who are now and will always be slaves to their own inadequacies and superstitions.

"No. It is demeaning to concern oneself with the welfare of the mob. The mob exists in order to be used. They have no rights. Their standing in our eyes is that of tools and machines. They exist solely for our pleasure. Deception and violent repression are the basic ways to deal with them."

According to polls, the press release was greeted with an immense relief from both the Republican and Democrat public. "It's great to know that we'll be taken care of," one respondent averred. "Ignorance is bliss."

March 15, 2006

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